1/29/06

Its a gloomy rainy day in New York City, but it fits my mood. As night falls I walk aimlessly around the streets listening to Bob Dylan on the iPod and feeling lonely. There is a small park near my house, the green haze from the streetlights reflects in the puddles of water that form on the concrete of the empty playground.

I lean against a wire mesh fence and look across the river at Manhattan. The air below is clear, giving a sharp image of the skyline. Behind the skyscrapers dark clouds of multiple shades of gray, white and black move by at an unnaturally fast speed. The Empire state building is lit in red and yellow. It is a regular pastime in NYC trying to figure out what obscure holiday the Empire is lit up to represent.

The moment has an eerie beauty to it. I wish I had someone to share it with. I call Deb for kicks, Jackie for friendship, and Marnie with a bit of desperation. No one answers at any of the numbers.

My plan was to go to the coffee shop to do a bit of writing, but when I get to the door something about it makes me turn away. On the streets other lonely people stand in front of the bodegas smoking cigarettes. I wish I could wear sunglasses so no one can see my eyes. I would rather be invisible.

As I near my building a new neighbor comes out the front door. I look at her to say hello, but she must not realize I live in the same small building and avoids eye contact.

I go in and sit in dark in front of the blank computer screen. My business line rings but I dont answer. I can't face hyping that bullshit. The room is lit by a few leftover Christmas lights, hung without care on the far wall. Everything feels a little meaningless right now. There are so many possibilities and so much potential before me at this time, but I don't feel excited or inspired. I dont have a clue what I want. I am hungry but I dont eat. Nothing seems appetizing. I would rather feel the emptiness and longing.