5/10/06

I feel spiritually dead. I have no will to fight. I decided I should do some journal writing to try to get in touch with myself.

I am sitting in the park as a cold breeze blows over me. The sky is gray. I keep waiting for a good stretch of warm weather to come, but it hasn’t happened. I really don’t want to live in a cold climate anymore.

I am just plain in a low groove. Everything is down, physically, mentally, spiritually. I live each day with my tail between my legs.

This morning I awoke to find a nice email from a woman on myspace. It said, “Intelligent is sexy. You are beautiful. I hope you are doing something with that smile.”

I was such a nice way to start the morning. Much nicer than the hate mail I often awake to. And from a pretty stranger, makes it even nicer.

I want so much to just get in the car and drive. Play guitar on street corners and sell CDs for food money. My feelings these days remind me of how I felt in the days before I threw it all away in the early 90s. I have to struggle to stay and struggle to keep my head above water each day.

This could be a very creative time. I am in the exact opposite place of where I need to be, which is aggressive and business minded.

Even as I sit here I can feel myself fading out of this world. As I gaze around me at the trees and playground and empty factories, satori takes me. The concepts that filter our vision dissolve and I see raw objects. The strangeness of nature obscured by 90-degree angles and straight lines. Nature’s soothing chaos painted 3D over the crumbling order of the manmade environment.

The pigeons march aimless around me, in a never-ending search for food. This morning they seem as will-less as I do. Going through the motions because that’s what pigeons do.